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So I’ve only been a dad now for 2 short weeks, but I’ve already had many realizations in this very short time regarding fatherhood. It’s been an amazing ride so far and I know it only gets better, but here’s what I’ve learned so far…
- Eat. Sleep. Poop. Repeat. That’s the routine. Newborns don’t do anything else.
- People always ask us the same stupid question…”getting any sleep?” NO! No we’re not. None. Not a wink. Nothing at all. Even when we “sleep” we’re not sleeping because you know you have to wake up in an hour. It’s like when you’d fall asleep in class. You close your eyes, start to drool and then wake up abruptly flailing your arms and scare the shit out of yourself and the person next to you.
- The circumcision, or bris as us Hebrews call it, is an awful, awful process. The basics are this…they strap the baby down to a board, rub topical anesthetic all over “the area”, inject Lydocaine directly into his hoo-hah, say a few prayers and use a cigar cutter, yes, a cigar cutter to make the little Darth Vader helmet. And all of this madness is done in front of an audience. Yes I know it’s an ancient custom but it was tough to watch. But at least now he won’t get made fun of in gym class.
- Babies-R-Us owns my ass. I’ve been back there at least a dozen times since Logan was born to get things we “need.” The list of must-have items includes, but is not limited to:
- Nipples, nipples and more nipples…stage 1s, slow-flows, air-frees, natural shapes, easy sucks and every other type of nipple they make. And guess what? They ALL still give him major gas.
- Bottle warmer…yes, I spent $20 on something that warms up bottles of milk in 3 minutes. I already had something like that, it’s called a microwave! But it seems that microwaves don’t work for breast milk…at least Babies-R-Us wants us to think that. And running the bottle under tap water was too easy, so I bought a machine to do it.
- Mirrors…for our cars so we can see the baby while driving…“yes, he’s STILL asleep dear.”
- “Butt Paste”…yes, that’s actually what the brand is called, “Butt Paste.” Actually, I wasn’t sure what it did when I bought it but if you ever see a product called “Butt Paste” you buy it first and ask questions later. - I’m now a supporter of teenage pregnancy. Not because I think kids should be having kids, that’s awful, but because 18 year olds are the only ones who have the energy required to be up all night, night after night. 30 year olds need sleep! Emily and I sleep maybe 3 hours a night - I’m running on adrenaline and breast milk fumes and that’s it.
We do baby laundry twice a day, every day. I should by stock in Dreft we’re doing so many loads. - I always swore I’d never dress my baby in cutesy outfits or newborn costumes like sailor suits or baby cowboy stuff…but he just looks so damn cute in that crap!
- Baby clothes, blankets, towels, etc. are sooooo soft! I wish they made more adult items in terry cloth, chenille or fleece. I’d make my whole wardrobe out of whatever they make receiving blankets from. And yes, I now know what a receiving blanket is.
- Do not whine to your wife about how you have a nasty, stingy paper cut just hours after she’s delivered a 7 ½ lb. baby. She’s not very sympathetic.
- Putting together baby stuff like bassinets and swings and pack-n-plays is harder than putting together a custom chopper. I’ve never actually assembled a custom motorcycle but those guys on American Chopper do it in an hour and it took me an entire afternoon (and some of the evening) to figure out where the mobile goes on the play pen. Where’s Pauly Jr. when you need him.
- Babies can’t focus on your face at all so all the smiling, faces, cooing, oohing and awing is for naught. You think their looking at you, you can swear it, but they can’t see a damn thing. I’m told they only see fuzzy blobs about a foot away and only in black and white…so it’s basically like they’re watching TV in the 50’s and you’re “The Honeymooners.”
- All newborns look like little alien babies and are rather frog-like in appearance….except your child. YOUR baby is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and they will never be cuter…until the next day, then the next and so on.
- Regarding your baby you are very paranoid about cleanliness and sterilization - everyone has to wash their hands with pumice, they must use Purell every 5 minutes and you boil the pacifiers and bottles and such…for like the first week. Week two you’re still washing your hands but the Purell is occasional and you’re rinsing the pacifiers in tap water. I’m guessing by week 3 I’ll just wipe my hands on my shirt and then just shake the pacifier off to clean it. Their immune systems should kick in by then, right?
- Watching your wife pumping breast milk for the first time is just weird. You kind of get used to it, but it never just feels right to watch it. The first time you handle said milk, it’s weird too. And yes, it’s VERY weird if you want to taste it. Just don’t.
- Every noise, every odd movement and every time they sleep too long you check them. Are they still breathing? Yes. Are they hurt? Nope. Logic and reason tells you they’re fine. But what if that hiccup means they’re choking? Logic and reason be damned, it’s my kid.
- Newborn poop looks like spicy mustard with sesame seeds in it and smells like moldy bread.
- People without kids ask me what I can compare the first weeks too. Really, nothing. But I guess it’s kind of like staying up all night in Vegas without any of the gambling or booze or partying and the only boobs you see have babies hanging from them.
- Speaking of Vegas, I’m supposed to go on a bachelor party to Vegas next month and all the guys who are going keep asking me, “Aren’t you excited?” Three nights away from a crying baby who’s up all night long so I don’t get any sleep and I get to go to a place where I’ll be up all night and not get any sleep? Yeah, can’t wait.
- You swear you won’t be “one of those dads” who take pictures of the baby every moment of their life, but you become one anyway. I’m like an Asian tourist in Epcot. I take pictures of him every 10 minutes yet 90% of them are photos of him sleeping. Who needs hundreds of pictures of a sleeping newborn? We do.
- If one more person tells me to “get used to it” when I say I’m tired I’m going to murder them where they stand.
- After giving birth your wife gets emotional…very emotional. First she cries, then zones out for awhile and then goes to sleep mad at you…actually it sounds like the night we conceived.
- Newborns are better than alarm clocks. They require no batteries and you can hear them from anywhere in the house. We set Logan to 7am so I’m not late for work, 8pm so we know when “My Name Is Earl” is on and every other time in between. You simply can’t forget to feed them or change them, they just won’t let you. The only negative to our baby alarm clock is that every time I hit the snooze button I’m afraid I’ll damage his soft spot.
- Nothing, I mean nothing, can prepare you for the actual act of childbirth. The result is wonderful but for me the actual process was like a car wreck…it happened so fast, I couldn’t remember much of it, I was a little dazed, there was a lot of blood and screaming, I tried but couldn’t look away and now my insurance went up.
- Changing a baby boy is like being in the first few rows at Sea World…prepare to get wet. It’s like a Gallagher show, you need to wear a poncho or else pee will get all over you, the baby, the clean clothes you’ve set aside, the new diaper and even the yummy sandwich you’re eating as you change him. I got peed on three times already today.
- Never complain about the difficulties of newborns to your friends with 2 year olds, more than one child or colicky babies…you get a lot of eye rolls and/or “go F yourselfs.” Other parents don’t EVER want to hear you bitch and moan about your child, especially after only 2 weeks.
- A baby fresh out of the bathtub, all clean and cozy and warm, is just about the cutest thing you’ll ever see and makes this whole wild rollercoaster ride worth it.
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